Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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