i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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