i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
