I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
