if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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