Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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