3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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