Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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