Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize