He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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