she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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