I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize