I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
