she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think people are normalizing furries
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
