Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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