It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
