Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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