you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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