I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
