I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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