I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
