A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This is my gift to your gina
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
