i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
