she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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