I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you traded sex for a burrito?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
