Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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