Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
