i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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