Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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