My sheets look like a crime scene.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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