i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
