I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
