I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
