Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
