I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
