I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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