for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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