he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
