ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
