Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
