So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
