Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
