nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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