i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
