It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
