I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
