I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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