I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Of course I have a pirate flag
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
