Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
