I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
