I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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