Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
