Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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