look no pants
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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