At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
