what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
