it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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