its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize