mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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