Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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