It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
