All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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