I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
