Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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