Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
