I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
