do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
