you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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