these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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